How I lost a brother and gained a sister in one day

The most poignant moments of my life sneak up on me. Granted, some of them I saw coming: when I married my Jebbo, when I held each of my babies for the first time. I imagined these would be unforgettable, life-altering moments, and they were. But more often than not, the emotions that drive the snapshot images that form the tapestry of my life come in a rush and knock me on my ass. It feels a lot like being punched in the gut.

I got metaphorically punched right in the gizzard last Saturday. My brother got married. I would have to be an idiot, or really un-self-aware, to imagine that this day would pass without any moments that I will remember for the rest of my life. So, I knew it was going to be an emotional day. The when of it, though, was a surprise, as it often is to me. I was in line to walk down the aisle. Right up to that point, it had been a hell of a hectic day. My existence had been consumed with the management of hair, clothes, everyone being at the right place at the right time, and attempts at gracefully maneuvering the egos and bodily functions of two small kids in formal attire (have you ever tried to help a coiffed and gowned [and stubborn] flower girl go pee?). After Evie disappeared  (for the umpteenth time) and required a cursory search party, I had a memorable fantasy about propping my feet up and downing Morgan ‘n’ diets until smiling came easy again.

Yet as the service started, all the noise in my head stopped. I stopped, and for the first time looked, really looked, around me. And who I saw was my mother. She was striking in her mother-of-the-groom regalia; that much I had already seen. Now, though, I saw through all of the formality and fuss and saw her fragility. Her pride, her tears, the bittersweetness of seeing her son happy yet realizing that he has really grown up. I saw my dad, farmer-gone-debonair in his tux and cufflinks, his eyes glistening and red-rimmed as he waited with Mom. For a man I have never seen cry, he seemed markedly unabashed about wearing his heart on his sleeve. The therapist in me cheered while the little girl in me wanted to comfort her daddy. I left my place in line to hug both of them. Cue my own tears, the cup of emotion finally runneth over.

That’s when I got my sock in the gut: “my little brother is getting married.” In a flash I remembered him as a guileless toddler, following me around the house because I held his tractors captive; as the little guy on the elementary playground that I felt compelled to look out for at recess; as a teen stumbling drunk and breaking Mom’s lamp, spurring a secret between he and I that wouldn’t leak for almost 10 years. As a young man leaving home, moving into his first apartment and trying to find his way in life. As the brother who had grown to be one of my closest friends. He was no longer a child in any way. He hasn’t been for a long time, but this moment cinched it in my mind. And just for the briefest of seconds, I felt a pang of loss. Our past is gone. Our little Michl family of four is no more.

In almost the same breath, I realized all I was about to gain. I stood at the back of the church, doors to the sanctuary thrown open, music changing to organ. It was my turn to walk down towards that nervous and joyful man at the altar, my brother. Before I started I looked back and saw Abby. She was already starting to cry as she clutched her father’s arm. My heart squeezed when I looked at her, and I remembered that already, I love her like a sister. I want her to be in my family. I am happy to say goodbye to the past if it means that she will be a part of our future.

And this is the snapshot image that will remain when I look back on the day. I’ll remember other things, like Evie crawling under a pew and screaming during the ceremony, like the best man’s speech (which was another of those “sock me in the gut” moments, but that’s a story for another day), like losing and serendipitously finding my sunglasses, like eating a Skittle that I thought was a Reese’s Pieces (and this, my friends, is not a good surprise if you’re me). It was a day filled with laughter and tears, dirty jokes and cocktails, family and friends. It was an honor to be a part of it. Though I did have to let go of my “baby” brother, I got him back as a peer and friend, and I also got a sister out of the deal. I am so freaking happy about the whole damn thing that I can barely wipe the cheesy smile off of my face every time I think about it. Cheers, once again, to Nate and Abby!!

The infinite hug

Tonight I said the “official” goodbye to my spoon—after tonight, she will no longer be a Lincolnite. In saying goodbye to her, as I discussed in an earlier post, I kind of also say goodbye to the peer group that has been my second family for the past several years. I feel mollified that we have several reunions slated for later this summer and in the fall, and some of these events are pretty much set in stone—i.e., our attendance is absolutely requisite. I like the formality of these events; it makes me feel certain that we will indeed all be back together again, and relatively soon. Still, though, it’s the end of an era. The gang is breaking up.

I thought I would more of a sodden mess tonight, honestly. I anticipated and patiently waited for the waterworks to come gushing forth. Our last stop of the night was a bar that we often frequented during our program. Near the end of the night I was spacing out, thinking about the various times we’d been together there. It hit me that it was entirely possible that we would never all be there together again, that this was the last time, this was it. I felt the familiar sting of salty water in my eyes as I stared into my drink. Then someone caught my attention to ask me a question, and the moment was gone. That was the closest I got to sodden tonight.

I think I’m protecting myself by not fully allowing myself to experience my sadness yet tonight. I feel like maybe that’s okay. I expect that it will come in fits and starts over the weeks and months to come. I will feel it when I hear a certain song and think about singing it (horribly off-key!) in Boston in a taxicab. I will feel it when I read something about help-seeking or men’s studies and want to talk about the theory behind it all in person. I will feel it when I roll my eyes at Karl Rove’s latest, when I watch Glee, or when I have a question about a kids’ ability to talk. I will feel it at times I don’t expect. I will feel it.

I actually feel it a little bit more now, now that I’m giving myself space to process all of this. My initial reaction: Ah, crap! My next reaction: ah, there you are, sadness. I’m so glad you are here. I've been waiting for you. You are a part of me and of being human and I need you right now. Welcome.

At the end of the night my spoon commented that when she hugs someone, she is never the first person to let go. She joked that if she ever got into a situation where the other person was also inclined to hold on, they could be stuck in an infinite hug. I liked the imagery that came into my mind; myself wrapped in a never-ending hug with her, and with all of them….not physically, of course, but spiritually. And so that is how I’m going to hold on to them as we all move forward: a picture of us all wrapped in an infinite hug that transcends time and space. This is by far the most comforting thought I’ve had today. Thank you, my friends, for giving me something to hold onto.